#8 The Secret Life of Cleaning Products

I am sick with the flu, so, like any rational human being, I spent the day watching Lifetime. But don't be so quick to judge, it turned out to be a very educational decision. You see, Lifetime broadcasts nothing but advertisements for cleaning products during the day. Don't believe me? Today, I saw the same Lysol commercial 15 times. I thought I had memorized it, until I realized that at the end of the commercial, a scrolling list of all of the viruses that Lysol kills scrolls past at lightning speed. Most people might glaze over that list, or take this commercial as an opportunity to get a refill of mint chocolate chip ice cream. But in my delirious, bed ridden state, I read the list each time the commercial came on. You know what? Thank goodness I did.

The list told me that Lysol kills Herpes.

Why did no one ever tell me this? Did you know this? Granted, it makes sense. Herpes is a virus, and Lysol kills 99% of all household viruses and bacteria, but since when is herpes a household virus? Is there even such a thing? No matter. This might be awkward for Lysol to advertise, seeing as the current Lysol ad campaign has three basic elements: some horrendously dirty household surface, a small child coming dangerously close to touching/eating it, and mom saves the day by spraying the surface with Lysol. Because it's bad to eat germs, and it's fine if you consume large doses of Lysol. Boring, boring, boring.

Well, I've decided to help the company out and give them what I think are some great suggestions for a new, spiced up ad campaign. See, now that we know the PG-13 side of Lysol, the commercials are about to get brilliant.

My idea #1
Jimmy's about to go on his first date, but Jimmy's brother Lewis knows a secret!
Jimmy: Ma, how do I look?
Mom: You look great.
Lewis: Mom! You can't let him go out with that girl! I heard she has *whispers* herpes.
Mom: Boys, boys, it's okay. *douses Jimmy in Lysol* Now he can handle anything. *winks*
Jimmy's eyes start to burn and he breaks out in hives, but now he's safe. Buy Lysol.

My idea #2
The family is eating dinner. The token teenage daughter isn't eating any of her vegetables.
Dad: *offers daughter's plate to token teenage son* Do you want her peas?
Mom: *violently sprays the family with Lysol. the table is silent* Oh you meant-... sorry.
Voice over: Lysol. Better safe than sorry.

That's all I have for now. I think this was my most educational entry, so if you're reading this and not doing your homework, at least you learned something about your favorite household antibacterial spray!

Also, if you have any new ad suggestions, post 'em!