Today I had to do a major room clean, one thing lead to another and I ended up going through a box of Christmas/birthday/Easter/spontaneous presents that I received from my (late) grandmother throughout the years.
Now, my grandmother is notorious for sending presents that, if used, would ensure that her grandchildren would never have friends again. I discovered the gold-mine of 'em in a storage unit in my closet.
(I'll list them in the order in which I discovered them)
#1 Boots
Before you think this is normal, let me describe them.
HEIGHT: Mid-calf
SIZE: Enormous.
MAKER: There is no tag. They are so horrendous that the designer did not want people to know that he/she/it made these.
MATERIAL: What are you thinking? Leather, maybe? Are you thinking they might be snow boots? No. They are made entirely of faux musk oxen fur (say that 10x fast). Layers and layers of it that makes the boots 3.5 inches (I measured) thicker.
COLOR: Bright white.
First of all, faux musk oxen fur? I did some googling, and it doesn't look like anyone has ever produced any article of clothing using real ox fur, so maybe there are some legal issues when it comes to using this material. Okay, so this company wants to be edgy and trick people (namely PETA) into thinking that they're breaking the law?
That's like if Coca-Cola decided to trick everyone that they're putting cocaine into their drinks again, but whoops! Gotcha! It's just faux cocaine. Fauxcaine, heh.
I'm not done with these boots, though. So we've got what they look like (if your mental image of them is unpleasant, by golly, you've got it).
But now we get to the fun part! Grandma, what do I get to use these for? Boots this swanky shouldn't be worn everyday, that'd spoil the magic. Well, I have a few ideas. These boots would be useful only:
A) If I wanted to run off and proceed to be raised by a pack of polar bears (I'd say musk oxen, but dying the faux fur white makes this dream impossible). All I would have to do is slip on these boots, not bathe, and acquire a taste for fish. When I'm on the cover of National Geographic with my bear family, you can all say you knew me WHEN.
B) If I went on a date with a Yeti.
C) If my cat wanted a new friend.
D) If I wanted to die a virgin.
Well, this post ended up being really long, so I have a new plan. I'll just talk about one or two gifts from this mystical storage box every once in a while. I'll keep you surprised.
That's the end of this one. It served a dual purpose, too. I got to share a nice story, and I no longer have to answer any questions about what I'm wearing to prom. Four words: Faux. Musk. Oxen. Fur.
14 comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH WHY ARE YOU THE FUNNIEST PERSON TO WALK THIS EARTH!?
When you become a standup comedienne in 10 years, I called it.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAA
Miss Wynnie, you are a goddess.
http://www.cowart.info/blog/uploaded_images/musk-ox-alone-770172.jpg
your boots look like that except bootier. you must wear this kind of high fashion to school. no doubt, everyone will revere you.
To that anonymous link - you have no idea how incredibly accurate you are. I will of course wear them to school one day, I'm just waiting for my moment, and then WHAM! Ox Boots!
hahahahahahaha your posts never fail to me make me laugh out loud. actually though
absolutely fantastic!
i'm out of clever insults but i just want to say that i have those boots
and i really liked them, but thank you for sharing your opinion and saving me.
hallelujah i won't die a virgin
I woke up this morning and found a new post and now i am happy. But you can't leave this cliff hanger of all the other presents. Its torturing me.
When said fast, Faux Musk Oxen Fur sounds like the name of some sort of German name or product.
"Fomusk Oxenfurre"
That was a stupid observation, but I'm going to say it anyway because it needs to be said.
Also, I wish I could have riddled that name with Umlouts.
Funny you should say that, I tried to make a similar joke, the German name/umlaut shabang, but the template I was writing in was NOT in favor. Also I know I have a huge German fan base and I didn't want to disappoint.
New post soon! LOVE this blog
SO incredibly funny! I want more! You are very, very talented.
Wynn, I am stealing these boots, along with your killer riding boots that you wore yesterday, in the middle of the night. Expect roofies and whispers of: "Shhh, everything will be alright." And it will be done the Puerto Rican way which is much better than any other way of stealing things.
you've been warned.
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