#8 The Secret Life of Cleaning Products

I am sick with the flu, so, like any rational human being, I spent the day watching Lifetime. But don't be so quick to judge, it turned out to be a very educational decision. You see, Lifetime broadcasts nothing but advertisements for cleaning products during the day. Don't believe me? Today, I saw the same Lysol commercial 15 times. I thought I had memorized it, until I realized that at the end of the commercial, a scrolling list of all of the viruses that Lysol kills scrolls past at lightning speed. Most people might glaze over that list, or take this commercial as an opportunity to get a refill of mint chocolate chip ice cream. But in my delirious, bed ridden state, I read the list each time the commercial came on. You know what? Thank goodness I did.

The list told me that Lysol kills Herpes.

Why did no one ever tell me this? Did you know this? Granted, it makes sense. Herpes is a virus, and Lysol kills 99% of all household viruses and bacteria, but since when is herpes a household virus? Is there even such a thing? No matter. This might be awkward for Lysol to advertise, seeing as the current Lysol ad campaign has three basic elements: some horrendously dirty household surface, a small child coming dangerously close to touching/eating it, and mom saves the day by spraying the surface with Lysol. Because it's bad to eat germs, and it's fine if you consume large doses of Lysol. Boring, boring, boring.

Well, I've decided to help the company out and give them what I think are some great suggestions for a new, spiced up ad campaign. See, now that we know the PG-13 side of Lysol, the commercials are about to get brilliant.

My idea #1
Jimmy's about to go on his first date, but Jimmy's brother Lewis knows a secret!
Jimmy: Ma, how do I look?
Mom: You look great.
Lewis: Mom! You can't let him go out with that girl! I heard she has *whispers* herpes.
Mom: Boys, boys, it's okay. *douses Jimmy in Lysol* Now he can handle anything. *winks*
Jimmy's eyes start to burn and he breaks out in hives, but now he's safe. Buy Lysol.

My idea #2
The family is eating dinner. The token teenage daughter isn't eating any of her vegetables.
Dad: *offers daughter's plate to token teenage son* Do you want her peas?
Mom: *violently sprays the family with Lysol. the table is silent* Oh you meant-... sorry.
Voice over: Lysol. Better safe than sorry.

That's all I have for now. I think this was my most educational entry, so if you're reading this and not doing your homework, at least you learned something about your favorite household antibacterial spray!

Also, if you have any new ad suggestions, post 'em!

#7 Why it's cool to drink Yoohoo! again

Valentine's day is four days away, so it is only appropriate that this entry will focus on the most memorable interaction between a couple that I have ever seen.

Yesterday, as I was on the N-Train, I found myself sitting across from a very hip couple. Square rimmed glasses, skinny jeans, dyed hair... they were the real deal. To top it all of, they had the "retro" thing going on, and were slyly sipping on some Yoohoo! If you're not familiar with Yoohoo!, here is all you need to know:

1) It is fake chocolate milk, and used to be referred to as "chocolate drink."
2) It is insanely delicious.
3) Calling it Yahoo, chocolate drink, or Yoohoo (sans exclamation point) is unacceptable. It is Yoohoo! and it will always be Yoohoo!

I sort of resented them for being able to drink it, though, seeing as it was just a few days ago that I opted out of buying a Capri Sun in fear of being seen as "immature" by fellow subway patrons.

Well, there they were, being really hip and drinking the beverage I was suddenly craving, when the boy triumphantly declared that he could chug the rest of the Yoohoo! if he wanted to. So, he did. He chugged the whole thing, the girl acted unimpressed, and thirsty Wynn thought he was being a show off.

Then, the boy reached into the girl's purse, and pulled out yet another bottle of Yoohoo! He was about to take a sip when his girlfriend pushed his arm away from his mouth and said, "it'll be gross if you don't shake it." She was right. Did he know nothing? As far as I was concerned, this hipster didn't even deserve to have such a fine drink. And then, hardly even one second later, he shook the beverage.

Well, Mr. Hipster wasn't hip enough to remember to screw the cap back on, it was still in his hand. He managed to shake most of his drink out onto his girlfriend... but I'll rephrase, that sounds far too elegant. He poured an entire bottle of Yoohoo! all over her. It was in her hair, it was on her jacket, it was all over her face. For just a moment, every person on the train stopped what they were doing to stare the couple. I was quietly mourning the loss of some perfectly good Yoohoo!, but I managed to catch some soundbites.

"Dude, did you just pour that on her?"
"Are you an idiot? You didn't put that CAP on? Jesus."
"My shoes are going to be so sticky."
"Yoohoo! is, without a question, the best drink of all time"**

**It's possible that my own thoughts may have been mixed in with the sound bites. Don't worry about it.

Meanwhile, the hip girl was silent. Hip boy was glaring at the subway patrons, but then switched to just looking pleadingly at his girlfriend. She looked right at him, and anyone who was watching them (which was the entire train), could feel the cruelty in her stare. The boy opened his mouth, we were all waiting to hear him say, "I'm sorry."

Then, she kissed him. She gave him a long, "I was pretending to be mad at you," Yoohoo! soaked kiss. The entire train applauded. Everyone was so involved in their happiness, that when I quietly shouted "Yoohoo!", I only got a few stares. We got to my stop, and I hopped off of the train.

So, happy Valentine's day, my readers! Always, always, always shake well. Cheers.